|Weien loves God in a way that guides me|
My beloved country underwent a lot of change in the years we were growing up. When my parents were forced to move from the little colonial house to a government flat a quarter of its size, I lost my outdoor life almost instantly together with my dog and my friends. The change affected me deeply, in hindsight, I lost a profound part of my identity. Of course, life went on somehow, and I soon got really accustomed to an exciting city life. The thought of ever moving to the country never crossed my mind, in fact the thought of moving out of my country never crossed my mind. So if someone were to tell me that someday I would live in a very rural place with rather backward infrastructure, at the opposite part of the world for a long time, I would have also thought that person has lost it.
Then the tumultuous years of learning about love and giving up on it. Truly, many times, I felt Romantic Love was probably a reality for someone else. And in some ways, I could be content with that until someone I knew from high school appeared briefly, like 15 mins, in an online chat room typed these words to me " If you put in as much energy into your love life as you do in your career, it might surprise you." And that very night, I said my prayer to a God I vaguely know with a playful prayer I didn't really believe will be heard. I asked him to lead me to the right man, one I could have a family with and oh yes, if He can help it, please, not one that is boring. In all honesty, I did not really believe anything could happen. I was traveling too much in my job and let's face it, a woman in the 30s not particularly attractive nor friendly nor exciting. I made a living out of weighing odds in deals, I was able to figure this one out. So if someone were to tell me that night that God did hear my prayer and intend to answer it with someone who was just as shit-out-of luck in love as I was, I would have, well, probably grovelled or tell him he is completely out of his mind.
This morning, after I got changed and walked into my room, I found my sweet son meditating, right next to him lay my beautiful daughter who tells me every other hour of her waking moments "I Lapitu Mommy". I opened the fridge and there are plenty of food, my perfect dog is following me around hinting he is hungry and needs to use the bathroom. My house, while small and looks like a unlicensed day care center, is warm and littered with evidences of playfulness, curiosity and wonder. My furniture while damaged, are marked with memories of my children's days and years of development. As I looked at the pictures on the wall of Thomas and Stewart, I know they are safe and happy in what they do. A parcel from Singapore lay on my dining table and in it wrapped the Love sent from my Singaporean family. In the kitchen, there are many gifts from my friends in Shreveport, and even though I don't use the phone, it has a long list of contacts of truly good people who care about me. I am surrounded by many imperfections, but they are perfect to me.
So how does a little chinese Singaporean girl who has given up on love, ended up with a larger than life husband and three beautiful children, living in a quaint little town in Louisiana? The answer is simply - By the Grace of God.
This thanksgiving I have much to thank for. And while there were many days before I could not understand God's ways or His plans, I cannot turn a blind eye and take for granted His Grace which had been generously cloaked on me. And while I cried everyday for my first year here in this house, I now understand why I was led to this part of the world, to walk with Him and get to know Him better. I am not suggesting we have to be hermits to know Him, but somehow, He had made this the way I walk closer with Him.
Just as I have emptied myself on the night I say my prayer for a family, I seek now to empty myself to be fill by the Holy Spirit. I no longer pray in a cavalier manner nor challenge Him, because all I have to do is look around me and I see His Grace. And by His Generous Grace, I pray,
The Prayer for Generosity
Lord, teach me to be generous. Teach me to serve you as you deserve; to give and not to count the cost, to fight and not to heed the wounds, to toil and not to seek for rest, to labor and not to ask for reward, save that of knowing that I do your will. Amen